I Live

I am on a journey. Actually I have been on that journey for quite some time now.

I have been to many places in Germany, in Europe. I call New Zealand my second home and I had the chance to travel to Canada, Brazil, and quite recently to the United States and Fiji. This journey has taken me to so many beautiful and disturbing places, I have met so many impressive people who have shaped my ideas of life and I always had the security of having a “home”, a safe haven to return to.

But it was not until a couple of days ago while sitting at Interfaith Church surrounded by many kind people that it suddenly hit me. I am happy. Just like that. I couldn’t and still can’t express how and why, but I am happy. Not that I haven’t been happy at all previously when getting together with friends or walking the dog or getting into the travelling mood. And surely, I still have my doubts about how to actually finish my Master’s degree and what life has to offer afterwards. Yet, since a really, really long time I do not feel that I have to escape any longer. I can not only cope, but I can live and experience the moments and days as what they are – my life. I do not need to focus on some blurry, distant future that might hold “true happiness” (whatever that is anyway!) for me in order to manage the here and now.

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I feel like I have set off on a long and uncertain journey. Not to find that the places in the travel magazines in reality actually are even more spectacular. This is more of a side-effect. Rather, to find me, how I react to certain situations, how I see the world and how that perception gets changed and challenged with every new day. And to find my self-confidence and trust and certainty about who I am and what I want. Well, I am still not too sure about that and maybe I will never know a 100%. But that may be part of life, because surely, this is not the end of this journey. I will probably always be on the way. But maybe at some point, it won’t be like now where I literally travel from A to B and E and back to A. And I am also certain that there will be some dark moments even though the sun shines. And I will be desperate when everyone around me seems to be cheerful. And it won’t be easy and I will need to learn to let go of dreams, memories and people. And I am really not good with changes and letting go!

At the moment I feel good even though not everything is perfect. And how could it be? Somehow for me it all seems to make more sense. I have experienced and I am beginning to understand what life stripped off of money, profit, faster, better, my house, my car, my yacht means and can work. At least for me, life is full of laughter, dancing, singing, hugs, leaning against someone, sharing food and stories, life is about family and friends. It can be warm and it sparkles. It can be dark and it hurts. It is bittersweet. And suddenly life seems to be so simple. And I can be myself, even though at first still insecure, but gaining confidence with every day. Because this feeling still sticks with me and it carries me through each day.

You may think now: well, this is nothing new and I could have told you years ago! However, to actually get to this point I had to put up with all the confusion and contradictions, all the Ups and Downs and low, low Downs. So what I take from all of this is that there are so many different ways of living and even though so many of them appeal to me I will never be able to live most of them. Let’s face it: being a young mum living in a nice little house with a garden and having a dog by the end of my twenties that is not going to happen! And that is totally fine. I need to let go of some images that during my childhood and youth have been so dominant. Like the ideal of having to marry and having children.

So far I feel my life has been pretty special (and I guess you could say that about everyone’s life really) and I love it! And if it continues to guide me to these amazing places and wonderful people I am more than willing to take the next step. I try to have faith, still never letting fully go of my doubts and wariness, and I am waiting to find out what is around the next corner.

OneRepublic – I Lived (and please note how I changed my title to “I live”!)

Hope when you take that jump, You don’t feel the fall
Hope when the water rises, You built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams, They’re screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs, You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love, And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know, You gave it all you had
And I hope that you don’t suffer, But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes, You’ll say

I did it all
I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days, And they all add up
And when that sun goes down, Hope you raise your cup
I wish that I could witness, All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes, I’ll say

I did it all
I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

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