What I leave behind

It just hit me now – I mean, right now. I will once again pack my bag, leave this place and travel around the world.

This sounds rather exciting and of course, I am excited to see my family at the other end of the world, catch-up with friends along the way and enjoy the freedom of exploring and being amazed by people and landscape.

However, this is also the first time that I am actually sad to leave some people behind. Obviously, for a couple of years now most of my friends, even some of my best friends, have not lived in the same city as I have. We mostly stay in touch through social media. And obviously, they do have internet in New Zealand as well. So one should think that staying connected won’t be a problem. Nevertheless, I feel like leaving them behind. Or to put it differently: I am pretty scared that they are not as close as most of them are right now and that I cannot call them that easily (time difference).

I feel the past months have been quite turbulent and that I made it this far is the result of their continuous support. I mean, I actually finish my Master degree! (You can soon call me Master-Blaster. Yes, I made this title up.)

However, this is not my achievement or at least not solely my achievement. Because I couldn’t have done it without a couple of people. Don’t worry, I actually did the oral exam myself and wrote the thesis myself. But what is more important is the realization that before I actually made it this far, they already thought that I was a great person and that I would end up doing what I can do best. This actually took a lot of weight off my shoulders, especially prior the oral exam. So thank you!

So here is the thing: I feel like I have friends I can truly trust and rely on. Great! However, now it is more difficult than ever to press the reset-button and start something completely new. As one friend of mine put it: “Yeah, you will miss your friends. Welcome to the rest of the world.”

You may laugh, but for someone who rather takes any opportunity to run off terrified of settling down anywhere (because then you would have to commit to certain structures and relationships) this is new. It also means that I actually cannot press the reset-button (as if that has ever worked anyway…) or I don’t want to press it. However, consequently I need to learn to deal with myself and all the mess that actually makes me who I am.

I cannot wait to get on the plane and let go. Surprisingly, this freedom of being able to explore, this unsteady lifestyle gives me security. And even better, I know I don’t want to leave everything behind. I take it all with me and try to create something new and beautiful.

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