An honest approach

The new year is just a few hours away. In some parts of the world 2016 has already kicked in.

This is the time of the year when we look back – trying to evaluate if the year has been good or bad. I don’t like New Year very much. Probably because I tend to have too high expectations for the year to come and I am always reminded of what I couldn’t achieve in the past year. I always get nostalgic and melancholic.
Looking back at the list that I made for 2015 I can say that I can tick off a few things, such as turning 27 (28 is just around the corner), I traveled the world alone, with friends and my sister, I worked and lived in New Zealand, I worked for peace, I got a tattoo, I sang karaoke (my Queen interpretation – legendary).
I didn’t skydive nor did I meet Peter Jackson.

But I got on planes even when anxiety kicked in. I went on stage performing my poetry. I actually continued my writings. I got a picture with a New York police officer. I went to the magical Disneyworld – where dreams come true. I recevied my second MA degree. I laughed so hard that I had to cry and I was in pain and desperate that I had to cry. I made choices that were so hard to take. I sent people away, I invited new people in. I felt miserable, alone and worthless. I got postcards, texts, a word, friendly reminders that I am part of other people’s lives too. I have been inspired by Andrew Solomon (I love this guy!), I read Brene Brown and I found my new favourite movie CloudAtlas (closely followed by another all-time favourite Lord of the Rings and Peter Pan).

I was thinking to write about New Year’s resolutions, what’s going wrong in this world (basically, human beings being human beings which can be messy and sadly, also violent and brutal and unfair) and how we need to change it. But the honest answer is, I don’t have an honest answer. I am tired and exhausted (probably also because I have been sick for the past two days..), but this year has been exhausting! I don’t mean to evaluate the past year because I believe life isn’t composed of years but of moments.
I had a couple of ‘aha’-moments this year, such as
Andrew Solomon’s advice that you don’t get the time back – no matter how you feel the day or the week, if it takes all your energy, if you feel miserable – you don’t get that time back. You need to try to live no matter if you are high up in the clouds jumping around or if you are down in the dark hole with no way out. It is still your life.
Or as a dear friend of mine told me that I cannot expect another person to make the decisions for me. You are the one who is responsible for yourself. Oh gosh, how I hate that. It would all be so much easier if, at times, someone came along and knew the perfect answer, the best way to go.
And the hardest lesson I teach myself: You need to take yourself seriously first. Or as Brene Brown puts it: how can someone believe that you love him/her if you don’t love yourself? It all starts with you.

I know, no wise words. But I have never promised wise words! Only an honest approach. This one night doesn’t change anything (except for the date). But still for so many it feels like a new beginning, a second change (or the 2016th change).
I always wonder how the fireworks going around the world must look like from outer space. And then I am reminded of the fact that in the scope of the universe, of time our little earth and our lives don’t count that much; they are merely a glimpse. To me, this gives comfort.

 

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